Cellulite, Swimsuits, and Insecurities

Does anyone else still have their baby cellulite?  You know, the cellulite you had as a cute chubby bundle of joy that just NEVER went away!?!  No one has to answer that.

I'm not even complaining about my lovely ripples today, rather I'm wanting to change my perception of them.  I see those women, many of you, who are just...how do I say it--out there!  Not hanging out there, just confident with your body.

And I'm not overweight right now, so I really shouldn't be complaining, but I think I will anyhow.

Warning! Warning!

I must give a warning for this next story.  If you continue to read you should be prepared for a conversation that makes me look extremely insecure, naive and little stupid,--you have been warned. And let me remind you this was 9 years ago!  On with the story:

I was and am an active LDS girl, which means, no "relations" before the wedding night.  My husband and I had been friends for two years before we got married and had been dating for several months when we got engaged. But, as our wedding date quickly approached, there was something very somber we needed to talk about--something that had me deeply concerned.

So, we drove into the mountains and stopped at an unpopulated trail head.  A few minutes down the path we had a seat on some rocks--it was time.  "Okay, you love me right?"  "Unconditionally?"  "OK,"  My future husband stared at me, mystified, with a very worried look on his face. "Here goes"  I said, "I hope you really love me, but you're going to find out sooner or later." I stalled...then finally. "I have cellulite" I blurted out.  "Oh" he said.  "That was what all of this was about, you had me so worried that is was something serious."  My husband's really not so bad.

These days, I try to portray confidence, especially around my children, but, once again, my insecurities reared their ugly head this past year:

My mom was visiting shortly after I had Dax and she was determined to take the kids swimming-with me!  My swimsuit didn't fit--more importantly my swim shorts didn't fit--nothing fit! So, I headed out in search of a suit and quickly settled on this amazing tangerine contraption, complete with swim skirt--it looked decent enough in the store mirror.

Off to the pool we set, but I soon realized the error of my ways.  Not only did I look like an adult sized tangerine, my seemingly fabulous swim skirt kept floating up--revealing my cellulite legs to anyone with a set of goggles.  I could just feel all of those eyes mocking my pasty white rippling legs.  Even after nine years of body image progress--still?

Now --I don't want any emails saying I'm being ridiculous--I know I'm ridiculous!  Where does this current perception of my need to have perfect legs come from?--OK, I admit it!  I've been watching the Bachelor!--I'm not proud.  I truthfully fast forward through all of the steamy scenes, but I love that he's searching for his wife--very sweet--and the drama--it's the best. Still, I am ashamed of watching this waste of time show and have told no one until now--except for my husband, who, gratefully, doesn't watch it with me--but I digress.

I think they need to put more "normal" women on the Bachelor and all shows for that matter, and magazines, billboards--the list goes on.  And, would the bachelor even consider the normals, with all of the non-cellulited seemingly perfect looking women thrown in his path! And, would anyone watch?  I'm thinking I know the answer to that.  I'm not bitter.

To all of you women who are-"out there", that don't care about cellulite--I am in awe and admiration. My goal is to be that person.  I'm not saying I want to flaunt my cellulite, just have acceptance from myself, acceptance of all flaws. 

But...for now...I will be buying a new pair of swim shorts and will be keeping my beautiful ripples covered.

(No pictures today, sorry to disappoint.)

Grumpy Mom Goals of the Day:  Tell my girls how beautiful they are, inside and out.  Stop watching the Bachelor.